Parashat Achrei Mot-K'doshim 5769--Loving Ourselves, Loving Others

This week’s parashah, Parashat Achrei Mot-Kedoshim, is centered around holiness. It includes the central message of Leviticus: “You shall be holy, for I, Adonai your God, am holy” (Leviticus 19:1-2). Dr. Tamara Eskenazi, who blessed TBS by serving as our scholar-in-residence this past Shabbat, teaches that the Bible’s concept of holiness is often described as one of separation. However, in Leviticus 19, this is far from true. In Parashat Kedoshim, “holiness comes from cultivating relationships. Connections…” (The Torah: A Women’s Commentary, 716).

Yes, this week’s Torah portion is about the holiness we bring to our lives through our connections with others. Dr. Eskenazi explains that the Torah tells us to “love” three different times (The Torah: A Women’s Commentary, 716). Once, immediately following the Sh’ma, in what we refer to as the V’ahavta, “You shall love Adonai your God with all your heart” (Deuteronomy 6:5). The other two instances of commanded love are in this parashah:

1. Love your fellow [Israelite] as yourself (Leviticus 19:18)
2. Love the stranger as yourself (Leviticus 19:34)

Yes, we are commanded to love others (both those who are like us and those who are not like us) as we love ourselves. And I wonder: What is the more challenging part of this mitzvah? Is it loving others or loving ourselves?

In a telling scene from the novel Joe Jones, by Annie Lamott, the book’s main character, Louise is sitting at her kitchen table, doing her bills, and drinking coffee. In the process, she accidentally knocks over her cup of coffee, ruining all the bills and papers she had laid out on the table before her. “You stupid jerk” she says to herself immediately, “You saw this coming…You’ve done this so many times before.” As Louise storms out of the house, fuming at herself and her own carelessness, the narrator muses, “She’s barely speaking to herself.” I think: There is Torah in this description. Part of loving others is loving ourselves. This character, Louise, was kind to everyone in her life, except herself.

Louise reminds me of a basic lesson that feels very difficult to learn: We should talk to ourselves like we want others to talk to us. We should talk to ourselves like we want to talk to others. Think about this for a moment. How does your inner voice speak to you?

The psychologist Judith Jordan presents a concept called “self-empathy” that mirrors the Torah’s commandment to love others as we love ourselves. Jordan explains that one way for us to better connect with others is to develop deeper empathy for our own experiences. Jordan explains that one way for us to work at being more empathic toward our own selves is to seek out connections with people who are empathic toward us and our experiences. That is, by connecting with people who show us empathy, we may come to understand ourselves “more fully and truthfully and compassionately” (Miller and Striver 134). When others see us in a gentle light, we can learn to see ourselves in a gentle light. The compassion we feel from these connections can help us to better connect with others and help others to connect with us. Extending love to others helps us to love ourselves, and extending love to ourselves helps us to love others.

And, what about the commandment to love God in the V’ahavta? Is this somehow related to loving others and ourselves? I believe this is, indeed, what the Torah is teaching us. When we accept ourselves with love and compassion, and when we accept others with love and compassion, we learn to accept and love the Ultimate Other—the Divine (see Martin Buber, I and Thou). Our relationships with others and with ourselves teach us how to relate to God.

This is a Shabbat of holiness, a Shabbat of connecting. This is a time for working on relationships, in all their wondrous variations. This is a time for talking about and thinking about love. This is a time for remembering that all is indeed interrelated. “You shall be holy, for I, Adonai, your God, am holy” (Leviticus 19:1-2). You shall see yourself as holy, for Adonai your God sees you as holy. You shall see others as holy, for Adonai your God sees them as holy. You shall see others as holy, for Adonai your God sees you as holy.